I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
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You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.