Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
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Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Me, reading some of your tweets
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.