Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
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Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?