Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
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WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.