“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
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ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse