Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
You Might Also Like
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”