Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
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This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Me too
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.