My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
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Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Pretty much! 😂👀
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.