Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
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*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?