how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
βΆ πββββββββ 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
βΆ πββββββββ 74:36:15
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I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if Iβve never met a toddler before
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Listen if vampires donβt age or whatever then why arenβt there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said βiβm going to sleep, do you want anything?β proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
βTHE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!β
~me, parenting teens
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?