Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
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Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I am also baked goods
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
absolute chaos
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Welcome to the stomach
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”