“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
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Can Happiness buy money?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
When does CPR become necrophilia?
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one