SF is the wild wild west man
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Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Why am I like this?
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
i actually laughed 😩
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.