My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
You Might Also Like
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I think the cat got the dog high.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing