My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
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Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Yup
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Inside you there are two wolves
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Social distancing in Australia:
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
🤣🤣🤣
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!