So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
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Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.