Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
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#oldknees
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
stand with me against insufficient seating
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?