[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
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Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
wtf management?!
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Good morning
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?