Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
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[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”