Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
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Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.