Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
You Might Also Like
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.