My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
You Might Also Like
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I hope this email finds you in a well
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.