I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
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3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.