Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
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My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
wtf is a larm clock?
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”