Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
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🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.