[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
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I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.