Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
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My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
From my Mom
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
These are my roll models.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????