Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
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Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Cardio Made Easy
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.