Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
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I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.