911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
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From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.