Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
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I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
#SuperBowl
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page