Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
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this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed