No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
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Never forget.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband