If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
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unbelievably distressed by this ad
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?