Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
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“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?