Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.