Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
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I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch