I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
You Might Also Like
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.