Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
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God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)