[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
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Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
excuse me
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.