Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
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Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Yup!
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.