Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
You Might Also Like
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
That time Alicia messaged me
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]