(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
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*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
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