Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
You Might Also Like
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5