I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
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[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it