My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
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THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Single and childfree like Jesus
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing