[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
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I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Every house has this drawer
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.