This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
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Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
“Wait, let me explain..”
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died