water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
You Might Also Like
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.