Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
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LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*